December 31, 2008

December 31, 2008 - Happy New Year's Eve

The RMH was so festive. It really helped brighten my morning. 

Eric took this picture. 

Eric took this picture of me & Daddy. 

Cereal time. 

We had so much fun playing. 

I took a bus to WalMart. Bus stops in

 the swamp can be pretty

 scary...haha...every rustle in the

 weeds could be a gator...

I got some New Year's Eve party favors 

& came back to the hospital.

I taught him how to  do pig-nose.  

I measured his urine & 

wrote down how much. 

And he had to wear diapers again 

in case of an accident.  

Eric loved to play with his hippo. 

He had a crush on a nurse & hippo

 would ask him about it. He'd get shy.

Kristina came in.

Tom put up the banner

 that I got at WalMart.

 And Mama came to town. We didn't tell Daddy that she was on the

 way b/c he would worry too much about her driving 700 miles alone. 

And she walked in the kitchen of the RMH and he was there.

 It surprised him so much! It was sweet.

Eric loved the Southwest plane set I bought for him & Ethan. they

 always wanted to get on a plane and come to Cali again.

 They were so young the first time that they couldn't remember it.

Party hat!

Cinnabear smells like real cinnamon.

 Ethan, Eric, & I loved that scent.

 Also, the boys loved to smell my box of peppermint tea.

Eric was pretending to be a bear.

I colored pictures  for the boys

& taped them to the wall.

Posing with my little man.

Ethan was chillin' in his party hat.

Then, Kristina & Tom came back. 

Eric cried b/c he didn't want me to go.

 I didn't either. :(

Poor little Sugarbug. 

Daddy, Mama, & Ethan 

outside of Shands Hospital.

In the RMH. Room 15.

Ethan took this.

Daddy snapped this.

Ethan took this pic outside of me & 

the Ronald McDonald statue.

Ethan said he'd stay up until 2009 & party with me. 

 But he fell asleep at 10PM. Haha.

He clipped his grandma's earrings on. 

I told him he looked like Elton John. 

Mama & Ethan slept while Daddy & I went downstairs.

 Daddy turned a TV on but he went to socialize with a few

 friends he'd made. 

 A Hispanic man from Texas joined me.

 I was the only one who could speak Spanish.

 No one knew what he was saying. His little boy died and

 he was waiting to go back to TX. I brewed Peppermint tea for us. 

 He & I watched the New Year 2009 ring in in Times Square

 on Spanish TV. 

!Feliz año nuevo!

December 30, 2008

December 30, 2008

Kristina & Tom were moving their stuff 

from PCB to the Gainesville area.

 Daddy & I stayed with Eric & Ethan.

Eric took this picture. 

We found out bad news. Eric's cancer went from Stage 2 to Stage 3.

 He had a very aggressive case of Burkitt's. 

The doctor said the cancer had spread & was all over his chest.

I had to tell Daddy. He shut himself in the bathroom & cried. 

I'd not really let myself think that Eric could actually die. The doctors seemed optimistic. But when he went from 90% chance of survival to 60%, in a matter of a very few days...the thought crossed my mind. Then I thought if Eric died, Daddy would die soon after. I knew he couldn't handle Eric dying. They were too close. And then, I thought, if they die, then I'll die. I'll be next. all of these thoughts processed in my mind in seconds. I couldn't let Eric see me cry, so I pulled it together. Somehow...

We had to go back & pretend everything 

was normal so the boys wouldn't know.

Ethan did a handstand.

Eric slept. He rarely slept. 

He shook from pain in his sleep.

I looked at him. I wondered if he could really die from this. I thought about it. 

I thought that people usually get 6 months, right?

 I wondered if in 6 months, I'd be standing over his grave. 

I tried to prepare myself, that it might be an option. 

Then, I shook that horrid image off & never again believed that Eric would 

die from this. Even when he was dying, the last hour, I refused to believe it.

 I made everyone mad but I believed that he would somehow pull through. The thought that I had on this day, Dec. 30th was too hard. I never wanted to consider it again. 

The truth is, that the first time I stood at Eric's grave was EXACTLY six months from this very day. And my Daddy did die next. One year to the day that Eric died. And my heart is failing. But I'm not ready to die yet. 

Later, in February, 2010,I lay on the ground beside  Eric's grave after 8 long months of just 

wishing to die & be out of my misery & something changed in me. I sat up &

 knew that I couldn't die yet. I have more work to do. And then someday,

 I can make peace with death. But not just yet. 

And I've been fighting hard every since.

Eric woke up & we watched TV.

He loved taking photos. 

Don't know where he got that...haha.

Ethan took this one.

Then Eric took this one.

And Ethan took this one...

they loved pic taking...

Eric took this one before I left Shands to help 

Kristina move her cats in to her new place.

Goodnight. 

Got in a SUV full of cats.

Then we moved them inside.

And put them in the deep empty bathtub.

And their mama cat got in to feed them.

I went back to the hospital while they moved 

more loads of stuff back & forth.