December 30, 2008

December 30, 2008

Kristina & Tom were moving their stuff 

from PCB to the Gainesville area.

 Daddy & I stayed with Eric & Ethan.

Eric took this picture. 

We found out bad news. Eric's cancer went from Stage 2 to Stage 3.

 He had a very aggressive case of Burkitt's. 

The doctor said the cancer had spread & was all over his chest.

I had to tell Daddy. He shut himself in the bathroom & cried. 

I'd not really let myself think that Eric could actually die. The doctors seemed optimistic. But when he went from 90% chance of survival to 60%, in a matter of a very few days...the thought crossed my mind. Then I thought if Eric died, Daddy would die soon after. I knew he couldn't handle Eric dying. They were too close. And then, I thought, if they die, then I'll die. I'll be next. all of these thoughts processed in my mind in seconds. I couldn't let Eric see me cry, so I pulled it together. Somehow...

We had to go back & pretend everything 

was normal so the boys wouldn't know.

Ethan did a handstand.

Eric slept. He rarely slept. 

He shook from pain in his sleep.

I looked at him. I wondered if he could really die from this. I thought about it. 

I thought that people usually get 6 months, right?

 I wondered if in 6 months, I'd be standing over his grave. 

I tried to prepare myself, that it might be an option. 

Then, I shook that horrid image off & never again believed that Eric would 

die from this. Even when he was dying, the last hour, I refused to believe it.

 I made everyone mad but I believed that he would somehow pull through. The thought that I had on this day, Dec. 30th was too hard. I never wanted to consider it again. 

The truth is, that the first time I stood at Eric's grave was EXACTLY six months from this very day. And my Daddy did die next. One year to the day that Eric died. And my heart is failing. But I'm not ready to die yet. 

Later, in February, 2010,I lay on the ground beside  Eric's grave after 8 long months of just 

wishing to die & be out of my misery & something changed in me. I sat up &

 knew that I couldn't die yet. I have more work to do. And then someday,

 I can make peace with death. But not just yet. 

And I've been fighting hard every since.

Eric woke up & we watched TV.

He loved taking photos. 

Don't know where he got that...haha.

Ethan took this one.

Then Eric took this one.

And Ethan took this one...

they loved pic taking...

Eric took this one before I left Shands to help 

Kristina move her cats in to her new place.

Goodnight. 

Got in a SUV full of cats.

Then we moved them inside.

And put them in the deep empty bathtub.

And their mama cat got in to feed them.

I went back to the hospital while they moved 

more loads of stuff back & forth.